(Note: “Tom” (not his given name) gave written permission to use this material anonymously for professional training purposes)

What follows is an encapsulated version of a personal story about Tom as told in his own written words and in a structured interview. Tom is an intelligent man with an above average IQ who grew up in a Midwestern town with his parents and siblings. He experienced abuse at home and bullying at school. He eloquently describes his severely damaged self-esteem, feelings of shame, and later in adolescence an evolving awareness of his attraction to young boys.  He paints the picture of his psycho-social development as he felt shame as he feared dating girls his age, and at the same time explored the attraction to boys, and in early adulthood tried to be married and raise his two children.  He sought voluntary treatment, divorced, then lived alone for a number of years and later reoffended by using illegal sexual images of children with a like-minded friend.

Tom completed a course of treatment while he was married, and his wife participated and was actively supportive. She pushed him to get treatment after she found a neighbor boy’s underwear in their home.  Later Tom told her he was attracted to boys.  While horrified and concerned, she stayed with him and supported him through treatment.  He divorced though his wife did not want it, as he believed he could not be a good husband. 

Tom’s unique story in his words describes both the joy that he thought he could find with boys, the torment he felt knowing that what he was doing was wrong, and how he felt he was “sick” and unable to find joy in life.  He starts with his traumatic childhood.

When I was a boy, I was extremely shy and timid. Fearful of anyone or anything that appeared threatening in any way. I was belittled by my father, physically abused and verbally tormented on a daily basis by my brothers, school-mates and neighborhood kids. I was hopeless in any social situation; pathetic in any athletic endeavor. I never spoke up on my own behalf, or tried to defend myself against any attack. And one day when I was thirteen, I realized that I was sexually attracted to boys. My shame was boundless. My hatred of myself, of what I was, was like an immovable weight upon me. My fear that someone would find out overwhelmed me. I could imagine no greater horror. How could I look anyone in the eye? How could I look at myself in the mirror?

Of course, I kept my horrible secret buried deep within myself, for fear of the worst – someone discovering what I was. But I knew. I was reminded every day of what an awful person I was. Every time I looked at a boy, or heard boys playing, and having those feelings rise up in me. In my fantasies I could only think of how much I wanted to be with boys, how much I wanted to touch them, caress them, love them. Then afterwards realize what a disgusting thing that was, to have those feelings, to want something so wrong, and to want it so desperately.

“Why is everyone so mean to me?”, the little boy wondered. “What's wrong with me, that makes people dislike me so much?” Awkward and un-athletic, the little boy hated sports and playground games, because he always performed miserably, and it made him feel so inadequate. Plus, he would often be berated by the other kids who witnessed his failures. They were quick to point out what he already knew: that he was a failure and a disgrace. No one ever wanted him to be on their team.

The little boy's father was the most critical of all. He was big and loud, and the little boy was scared of him – and the father liked it that way. Far from being encouraging, the little boy's father made him feel ashamed. He often yelled at the little boy and pointed-out his inadequacies. He berated the little boy in front of others. The little boy felt so bad and so ashamed that he couldn't ever look anyone in the eyes; he always looked down and away and had a very submissive posture. He looked frightened, and in fact, he quite often was.

The little boy's brothers weren't kind to him either. They knew that he was sensitive and afraid, so they tormented him until he cried, then laughed at him and berated him for being such a baby. Other kids were mean to him, too. Much of his typical school day was spent being subjected to torment and derision.

The little boy felt sad most of the time. He wished he could be like other kids. He wished he could be “normal”. He couldn't figure out why he was so different; so abnormal; so inferior. He just knew that he was, even without being reminded of it so often. He had no self-confidence; no sense of worth or worthiness. He knew that he would be hurt, physically or emotionally, by someone every day. So, he was always scared, knowing something bad was around the next corner. He didn't feel safe or happy or loved.

These are some of the lessons I learned growing up:

I learned that being non-aggressive invites aggression.

I learned that being shy and timid means you’ll be disliked and overlooked.

I learned that getting good grades brands you as a “loser”.

I learned that being non-athletic is a grievous offense.

I learned that being awkward in social situations makes you a faggot.

I learned that being sensitive means you’re a “woman”.

After the divorce he lived alone and then spent time with a friend (who he met in treatment), who was married and also attracted to boys.  He and the friend were later arrested for Invasion of Privacy (photographing boys in a public restroom) and with possession of illegal sexual images. He maintained that his friend initiated the CSEM sharing and going to hockey games where young boys frequented.  He was charged and later court-ordered to probation and treatment. So, he went through treatment again where he gained new insight into his sexuality and continued to live alone and co-parent his now young adult children.

As he progressed in treatment he struggled with his sexuality, first believing he “…could not live without boys…” and eventually faced the painful reality that he could not act on the deeply rooted sexual attraction to boys – a painful grief he had not faced before.  As that realty settled, he began to question who he was as a middle-aged man: Attracted to boys? Yes.  Attracted to men? Maybe? Attracted to women? Barely. He slowly began to socialize and then joined men’s athletic league.  Finding success and adult social connection, he traveled to tournaments where he met a man at a bar with whom he had a brief sexual encounter. This was a turning point as he began to see himself as a sexual being with at least some interest in adults. 

He finished formal aftercare and stayed in aftercare voluntarily for several years.  He never returned to a meaningful career, forced to accept menial jobs as a result of the felony conviction.  He continued to be a parent to his two adult children and live his life alone and on probation.  

He summarized his life and consequences this way:

Because I wanted a boy;

 I can't have the freedom to go wherever I want.

 I can't have a gym membership.

 I can't have the trust and respect of many of the people I know.

 I can't have a job that I love.

 I can't have a Florida vacation.

 I can't be part of my softball team that I've played on for over ten years.

 I can't have my camper, where my kids and I loved to spend our summer weekends.

 I can't have a retirement plan.

 I can't participate with friends and family in many of the activities that I   love.

 I can't save money for a down-payment on a house.

 I can't spend time alone with my daughter.

 I can't have a happy future to look forward to.

Because I wanted a boy, I can't have maybe a dozen other things that aren't on this list.

And the great irony of it all is, I can't have a boy, either. I never could.

Tom was unique in some ways as he initially sought treatment voluntarily (though pressured by his wife), did not have a legally reportable sexual behavior history, and seemed to want to not act on his attraction to prepubescent boys.  He overcame the deep shame and abuse history (when he started treatment, he was so insecure and ashamed that he could barely make eye contact in therapy sessions).  In some ways he was a success story when he finished the first course of treatment, then he fell into a destructive peer relationship and succumbed to peer pressure and his pedophilic attraction.

In the end, can we say treatment helped Tom? Yes, in some ways it did. He overcame the decades long and deep sense of shame, allowed his sexuality to evolve toward interest in adult men, and broke the myth that he “…could not live without boys…”. Did treatment prevent future harm?  Not completely, but it appears to have made a difference in the long term as Tom came to accept the pedophilic attraction and how he had to live life not able to act on that attraction.